How Do You Avoid Being Pulled Under When Mediating With High Conflict Personalities?

Anyone who mediates or litigates long enough has faced the kind of case that stops you in your tracks. A case that should settle turns volatile. Blame cycles take hold. Emotion overrides logic. Rational solutions that meet interests are ignored, parties talk about litigating on “principle” and “burying’ the other side, and the whole thing becomes destabilizing—not just for the parties, but for everyone in the mediation. 

In these moments, you may be dealing with someone who exhibits a high conflict personality (HCP). According to Bill Eddy—who’s spent decades as a mediator, therapist, and litigator—HCPs often exhibit four traits: “(1) a preoccupation with targets of blame; (2) all-or-nothing thinking; (3) unmanaged emotions; and (4) extreme behaviors.” Eddy cites research suggesting that over 10% of the population has a personality disorder that affects their interpersonal functioning. (See his article, The New Elephant in the Room, 24 Pepp. Disp. Resol. L.J. 300 (2024).)

What does this mean for a mediator or attorney? Imagine being caught in a rip current—no matter how well you swim, the undertow keeps pulling you out. Trying to rely on traditional negotiation tools often makes things worse.

I am always looking for new strategies to keep the process on track—without being pulled under myself – and this will be the first of many blog posts identifying potential tools to effectively engage parties.  This is critical for situations where simply shuttling offers isn’t going to work.

A Structured Approach to Turbulent Disputes

While Eddy’s recent article focuses more on the prevalence of personality disorders, his book Mediating High Conflict Disputes offers a practical roadmap. His method doesn’t try to change the personality traits of high conflict individuals. Instead, it helps mediators contain the behavior and keep the process moving. Here are seven practical strategies I took away from Eddy’s book:

1. Connect Using EAR: Empathy, Attention, and Respect

This doesn’t mean agreeing with the person—it means managing reactivity. When someone is emotionally flooded or deeply distrustful, your ability to calmly acknowledge their experience (without endorsing it) lowers defensiveness. It’s a tool for containment, not persuasion.

2. Provide Structure

HCPs often feel powerless or trapped. A clear agenda, timelines, and process boundaries give the mediation a spine. It also reassures all parties—especially those in fight-or-flight mode—that someone is steering the ship.

3. Redirect to the Future

High-conflict parties dwell on the past—usually through a lens of grievance. Dwelling there with them is a fast track to nowhere. To move beyond the past, Eddy suggests phrases like, “you may right … I’ll never know, I wasn’t there,” and “I cannot mediate the past.” Encourage the party to move forward with decisions about the future that you can mediate.

4. Be a Neutral Educator

When explaining rules, legal constraints, or potential outcomes, stick to neutral, factual language. HCPs are quick to perceive bias. Even a well-meaning comment can be misinterpreted as siding or criticism. In Eddy’s model, neutrality isn’t just professional—it’s a stabilizer.

5. Use Proposals Instead of Interest-Based Probing

Traditional interest-based questions can trigger suspicion or escalate conflict. Eddy flips the model: ask for concrete proposals. “What’s your idea for resolving this issue?” opens a structured problem-solving path that often surfaces interests indirectly.

6. Assign Small, Task-Oriented Steps

Giving parties something to do—draft a list, write a proposal, identify a goal—redirects emotional energy into action. It also helps high conflict individuals regain a sense of control. These tasks build momentum and reduce emotional volatility.

7. Avoid Trigger Phrases and Apology Traps

With many clients, encouraging a heartfelt apology or allowing them to “tell their story” can be healing. But with HCPs, Eddy warns, those same moves often backfire. Invitations to apologize or recount events frequently lead to renewed blame, defensiveness, or escalation. Keep the language neutral, focused, and task-oriented.

8. Engage in Pre-Mediation Coaching

Eddy encourages, when possible, separate sessions with each party to explain the process and begin conditioning the parties to manage emotions, think flexibly, engage in tasks, and focus on the future.   

Final Thoughts

Bill Eddy doesn’t offer a silver bullet. But what his method provides is something most mediators need more of: a stable framework for unstable dynamics.

If you’ve ever felt yourself getting pulled under by a mediation, this book is worth your time. It provides context based in neuroscience, as well as detailed suggestions on process and language.  It’s a reminder that successful mediation isn’t just about knowing the law or being a good listener—it’s about managing process design, anticipating behavioral patterns, and holding steady in the face of emotional crosscurrents.